Wrestling With COVID

You wonder where I’ve been – COVID! To the other side and back. And it’s truly as horrible as they say. I know I should be grateful for the two vaccines and one booster for making my symptoms so much more mild, but as I’m in the throes of it, I ask, mild? Really? My symptoms have been anything but mild. I squint at my keyboard as my eyes have become incredibly painful and light sensitive.

My bout with COVID hit me like a freight train. Headache and extreme exhaustion, chills, and actual teeth-rattling shivers. I went to bed and was awakened, blazing hot, with a 102-degree fever, body aches, and a headache that was impossible to fathom. I knew this was something bad. I’ve never been so blindsided by a flu. I took a COVID test and watched with horror as the truth was revealed – two lines. Positive! Oh shit. Those damn little spiky cells had somehow wormed their way into my body and were wreaking havoc. Shit shit shit.

What do you do if you have COVID? I didn’t even know. Suddenly it seemed everything I touched was full of those awful spiky bastards. It was kind of terrifying. How was I going to avoid giving this to my daughters? Or my cats? But there’s no one to take care of me, I realized. Such is the sad reality of being a single parent. Everything is manageable until you get sick and then – then – well, everything goes to hell. I’m so scared my daughters will get sick, but there’s nothing I can do to prevent their exposure except wear a mask and isolate as much as possible, as we live under the same roof.

So, COVID? What are the basics? First, I googled it, as we do. Rest, fluids, blah blah blah. That’s for a mild case. I called the doctor – a stroke of brilliance from my stormy mind. The headache has been unrelenting. The doctor put me on some new drug called Molnupiravir. It’s not yet approved by the FDA but I said let’s give it a try. My symptoms progressed as the first day wore on to include heavy chest and nasal congestion, a sore throat and cough. Crazy. Everything just snowballed upon me. And that headache! You know it’s bad when you’re lying in a pool of pain casually wondering if you might gain any relief from a hole drilled into your skull? That’s next to agony. But my 800 mg Ibuprofen tablets were doing little to relieve anything.

The doctor prescribed antibiotics and steroids to reduce the swelling in my bronchioles and to kill any secondary infections. I still feel sick. My joints hurt like they are arthritic, I’m coughing deep, heavy coughs, and my skin is incredibly sensitive to mere touch. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass, but it’s hard to believe when you are in the middle of it.

My friends have come to my rescue, texting and calling to cheer me up. One wonderful friend picked up my antibiotics and food for my daughters, and dropped them to my door. #Grateful. Yes, grateful, indeed. I find myself falling asleep and then waking at odd hours of the night. With the strange hours come deep thoughts that ring true: Actions speak louder than words. You can say whatever you want, talk is cheap. It’s what you do that matters. Friends who show up for you. Family who shows up for you. Whether it was calling to say hello or a sweet text wishing me speedy healing, each one mattered to me. It means something if they reach out and means something if they don’t. So many people have died from COVID. It’s not a stretch to call it ‘life-threatening’. It is, and that’s scary.

I, like so many, often struggle with the reason for us being on this earth, living this life. The vast ‘Why’s?’ never seem to have an answer. Is it a divine plan? Or a crazy mistake? Does our life here on earth mean something? Or nothing at all? Why are we here, mere specks of dust swirling in a vast universe of darkness and light? How did we all happen upon this life on the third rock from the sun? And why do we matter? We will never have the answers to these questions.

But it is true that the journey in this world is certainly more difficult for some than for others. And kindness seems to be the remedy for that. Compassion. Caring for each other. Because we are all walking different roads and sometimes a helping hand or even just a smile can lighten the load for another. Is that so hard to do? Be kind, and people will treat you with kindness. Or not! There are some difficult souls out there who will never see the light, but that doesn’t mean you should stop. Don’t become bitter. Be kind.

And have fun! We are a society that works too hard and spends too little time enjoying ourselves. We work ourselves into our graves, and what a waste that is. Take time to smell the roses. Quite literally. I make myself stop and smell beautiful flowers that I come upon. It’s these little joys that make up a patchwork of happy memories in your life and provide a soothing balm during the tough times.

Lastly, be with who you love. Don’t give up if you are in an unhappy relationship and assume that’s simply your path and your burden in life. It’s not. Get out! Make a change. Pursue happiness. You only get one shot at this life, why spend it with someone who doesn’t bring you joy? Don’t let the constraints of society dictate your bliss. Follow the light. Seek love and joy. Find the person that makes you laugh and makes your heart sing. They may be just around the corner. Seek them out! And try to find a splash of delight in all you do.

That’s all I’ve got for tonight. Stay healthy, my friends! And be happy.

Reflections on Motherhood: The Gift of Time

My youngest daughter turned 16 not too long ago. Sweet 16! My goodness. Where does the time go? I looked away for a moment and my daughters grew up, like lanky sunflowers sprouting towards the blazing sun. How can she be 16? I remember being 16. Was it really that long ago? And where did my sweet little girls go, dressed in tulle and ballet slippers, clutching their expensive American Girl dolls? Time crashes by, like waves on the sand, washing away the fragile present and replacing it with an uncertain future. What will tomorrow bring? We don’t and can’t know. Such is the nature of life. Motherhood is always changing – indeed a role fraught with both deep joy and deep pain. Often, we don’t know one until we have experienced the other.

‘Mother.’ It’s a powerful title. Mothers have been celebrated since the beginning of time. In many cultures it is the mother figure, not the father, that rules the universe. The ancient Greeks celebrated Gaia, the mother of the mythological Greek Gods. It is the mother who brings forth life in the world – what could be more powerful than that? The mother represents strength and intelligence, but also gentleness and love.

The word ‘mother’ has easily worked its way into our vernacular. We refer to the earth as ‘Mother Earth’. ‘Mother Nature’ is the force controlling nature, the weather, and all living things. Your ‘mother tongue’ is the language you grew up speaking and your ‘motherland’ is the land of your birth. No one can deny the incredible influence mothers have had over the course of history in every country and civilization.

Motherhood means different things to different people. Your perception is molded by your life’s relationships and whether you are a mother yourself. Some women become mothers easily and never give it a second thought. Some must struggle to become mothers, chasing the dream of a child through doctors’ offices and adoption agencies. Still others have it thrust upon them unexpectedly. Regardless of its origins, motherhood is a journey that turns our lives upside down and makes us do and feel things we never expected.

Nothing can prepare you for the moment when a child is placed in your arms – the sudden rush of love and emotion and the awesomeness of the new responsibility in your life. All at once you can’t remember your life before this child arrived. You can’t envision a life without this little person. A once-freewheeling life grows more regimented, simply by necessity. The lights of the city pale next to the draw of the creature comforts of suburbia. Before you know it, you’re a minivan mom, navigating preschools and play dates, and each day of your life tumbles headlong into the next. Where does the time go?

When my children were still quite small, a friend with older children in college came to visit me. She remarked on the many paintings and clay sculptures that adorned the walls and surfaces of my home. I laughed and commented that there would “always be a constant stream of children’s artwork in my home.”

“Oh no,” she corrected me. “It does come to an end.”

I was taken aback for a moment, but my friend was right. My children would eventually grow up and stop giving me handmade creations and drawings. The adorable little misspelled notes would stop. The tooth fairy would end her nocturnal visits and Santa Claus would become a happy memory of years gone by. The very idea brought tears to my eyes. As exhausted as I was from the daily struggle of raising my young children, I loved every minute of it. Like all good things, I thoughtlessly assumed it would go on forever. But I was mistaken.

There’s a song by Luke Bryan called ‘Fast’, that speaks of how quickly life speeds by. “Sixty seconds now seem more like thirty,” he croons, as he sings about his desire to slow things down. The song strikes a chord with me. As we get older, the seasons start to pass with alarming momentum. As winter melts into spring, we can’t help but wonder where the time has gone.

Time seemed to pass at a snail’s pace when we were young and had our hopes and aspirations before us. We daydreamed about growing up and playing with the big kids. Our birthdays couldn’t arrive soon enough. There was always something in the future that beckoned to us until suddenly we were adults, and in a flash, the magic of childhood was gone.

Very often we are so wrapped up in the minutiae of life that we neglect to take note of our present moments. The sands of life gain momentum as they sneak through that hourglass. I don’t want them to slip away unnoticed.

On my birthday and over the holidays, my children often ask me, “Mom, what do you want? What do you need?” I am always stumped. Do I need anything? Not really. But this year, it occurred to me that there IS one thing I would like: the gift of time.

I’d like to take time with each of my children to look into their eyes and tell them I love them, always and forever. I’d like to hear their silly jokes over and over and have them write me funny notes. I’d like them to paint me a picture, scribble a poem, and sing me a song. I’d like to hear about their hopes and dreams. I’d like to wrap them in my arms and whisper in their ears and smell the sweet scent of their skin. I’d like to hold onto a little shred of time with them for just a moment longer, to enjoy the here and the now as fully as I can.

My advice to all mothers, old and young, is this: May you enjoy precious time with your children. Take it, grab it, hold onto it, and love it. Enjoy the present, for it is truly a gift.

Holidays, God, and Life

Easter and Passover are on their way. Different holidays celebrating different things but since they’re at the same time each year, we kind of lump them together. I always liked the idea of Judaism. They have great food and great music. ‘Fiddler on The Roof’ is one of my favorite musicals. There’s celebratory dancing and chairs being raised. How fun is that? They have lots of holidays too. My Jewish friends always got to miss school for one holiday or another. The best was my friends who had one Jewish parent and one Christian parent. They got ALL the holidays off! I was deeply envious of that as a child.

Last year I was invited to a Yom Kippur dinner on a Thursday night. Scratch that. It was Thursday at sunset. Very specific. That’s rather magical, isn’t it? The event would start when the sun went down. And there I would be – hello shiksa! I was the lone non-Jew at the event except for Annie who’s married to David and took a class, but never actually converted. I think she’s Jewish by default. ‘Jew-ish’, as a friend of mine might say.

I am Catholic by birth but probably far too spiritual and liberal and artsy-fartsy to be considered a ‘good’ Catholic by many. But who cares? I think you figure out how religion and the universe can work for you by the time you’re in your 30’s or so. You stop feeling guilty all the time and start trying to live a good life and not be too selfish. Jewish guilt, Catholic guilt, they’re really the same – doing things for fear of the wrath of God being unleashed upon you. Or not. Who knows? We don’t.

I sometimes wonder if we going to have a big AHA moment when we die where everything will be made clear to us? Aha! So, God is an old guy with a long white beard. Or a woman with long white braids. Or maybe a Buddha with a rounded belly? Or possibly just nothing but stars and light? I always like to think of heaven as a great big cocktail party, F. Scott Fitzgerald style, with beautiful people in beautiful clothing drinking martinis and listening to wonderful music into eternity. How divine! I wonder, right?

Don’t you just want a little glimpse so you can let the others know – “Yeah, heaven really IS all that! But don’t steal or hurt or kill because the OTHER place is total hell.” And I hope there IS a hell. I do. Reserved for the horribles of the world who’ve done atrocious things on our earth – to women, children, animals, any life! I don’t care. It’s wrong and I don’t want them at my cocktail party. Fuck ‘em. Let them go straight to hell.

But now, here’s a question: What about the whole suicide thing? That’s a mortal sin in Catholicism, meaning that you don’t get the heaven card. But hold on. What about those good people who threw themselves off the World Trade Center on September 11, when it became clear they were not going to be saved from the blazing inferno? Straight to hell? Or not? Or the sad, sad people of the world who couldn’t face another morning on this earth? Straight to hell?

I think not. No. I can’t accept that. For whatever reason, I don’t think God would have rigid rules like that. My God is a sympathetic God, a compassionate God. A God who wants you to do your best and tosses you a bone every now and then if you’ve done good. A God who listens and cares. A God who understands and knows that this human experience is often terribly dark and difficult. Maybe not a God who delivers all your wishes tied up in a blue Tiffany Box but a kind God, nonetheless.

So, Yom Kippur. I was getting excited asking my Jewish friend if everyone was going to be discussing their thoughts about atonement and regret for different things in the past year. If there would be some sort of prayer for a better future for us all, in the hope that we can be better people in the days to come? Would it be like Thanksgiving at my house where everyone goes around saying what they’re thankful for?

His answer? “No. They don’t talk about any of that.” He mused that everyone would probably talk about the food – it’s pretty good stuff – nice after a long fast. And we would enjoy a good glass of wine, and everyone’s company. Yom Kippur is one of those big holidays where you visit relatives you don’t normally see. But my friend explained, there would not be so much talk. It figures the shiksa would want to talk.

Even without the talk, I was excited to go. For the evening, I was an honorary Jew. And in the end, it was lovely. I was thrilled to be included in the festivities and made to feel a part of the group. It was a celebration of life, and I’m all for that.

Shana Tovah! Happy Passover! Happy Easter!